How to Spot a Virus Hoax

Part 3. Good Times

(The Chicken Little domino-effect engine)

The granddaddy of this current crop of hoaxes was a warning message about a nonexistent virus called "Good Times." It began in 1994 as a joke, evidently by two students who posted the warning on America Online. From there, the warning message spread and, as noted above, it also changed. For example, the version given below has given the virus the fanciful ability to place the computer's CPU "in an nth-complexity infinite binary loop--which can severely damage the processor."

What follows is an evolved version of the "Good Times Virus" warning message. Again, there is no such virus. This is a hoax. The interlinear commentary (bracketed and in italics) has been added here as we dissect the virus, and is not part of the original message.

The hoax message reads:

V I R U S - W A R N I N G

[Commentary: If you receive any message in e-mail that starts like this, immediately suspect a hoax. With the current bumper crop of hoaxes, odds are that it is not a real virus warning.]

There is a computer virus that is being sent across the 
Internet. If you receive an email message with the 
subject line "Good Times," DO NOT read the message, 
DELETE it immediately.

Please read the messages below. Some miscreant is  
sending email under the title "Good Times" nationwide, 
if you get anything like this, DON'T DOWN LOAD THE FILE!

[This theme seems to be almost universal in hoaxes. The supposed virus is always propagating on the Internet. There are warnings (again, usually in ALL CAPS about reading or downloading an e-mail message. Salvation by immediate deletion is also nearly universal. Interestingly, for some reason the word "miscreant" seems to be a common catchphrase in hoaxes.]

It has a virus that rewrites your hard drive, obliterating 
anything on it.

[Most real viruses, which are an actual threat to users, are not destructive; in fact they're usually quite tame. Hoax viruses, however, always seem to wield the powers of a vengeful binary god. Such godlike viruses can often do nasty things to your system that are beyond the abilities of software, mere mortals, or even most hardware technicians.]

Please be careful and forward this mail to anyone you care about.

[Here it is. This is the replication engine. This is what gives the virus the pesky lifelike ability to multiply. This is also a dead giveaway that it is a hoax.]

WARNING!!!!!!! INTERNET VIRUS

[Another thing to notice is the multiplication of exclamation marks. We see this a lot.]

The FCC released a warning last Wednesday concerning a matter of major 
importance to any regular user of the Internet.

[Also nearly universal is the authoritative source. "Whoa! The FCC. This must be real." This aspect of cited authority is meant to lend credibility to the hoax. The truth is, however, that according to the FCC they have never, and will never, send out virus warnings.]

Apparently a new computer virus has been engineered by a 
user of AMERICA ON LINE that is unparalleled in its 
destructive capability.

[Notice especially here, and in the following lines, the superlative nature of the abilities described. Here we see that it's "unparalleled in its destructive capability." Suspect any warning about a virus that is the most destructive, most polymorphic, or stealthiest.]

What makes this virus so terrifying, said the FCC,

[Note the authoritative source is cited as saying this. Again, credibility is sought.]

is the fact that no program needs to be exchanged for a 
new computer to be infected. It can be spread through 
the existing email systems of the Internet. Once a 
Computer is infected, one of several things can happen. 
If the computer contains a hard drive, that will most 
likely be destroyed. If the program is not stopped, 
the computer's processor will be placed in an 
nth-complexity infinite binary loop--which can severely 
damage the processor if left running that way too long.

[Here's another important factor to note: the language is crafted to sound technical. It uses computer jargon. This also tends to lend credibility to the hoax. By the way, If you do believe that a CPU can be melted down by "an nth- complexity infinite binary loop," we'd like to talk to you about some oceanfront property we're selling in Nebraska.]

Luckily, there is one sure means of detecting what is 
now known as the "Good Times" virus. It always travels 
to new computers the same way in a text email message 
with the subject line reading "Good Times." Avoiding
infection is easy once the file has been received 
simply by NOT READING IT! The act of loading the file 
into the mail server's ASCII buffer causes the
"Good Times" mainline program to initialize and 
execute. The program is highly intelligent--it 
will send copies of itself to everyone whose email
address is contained in a receive-mail file or a 
sent-mail file, if it can find one. It will then 
proceed to trash the computer it is running on.

[Of course, you'll never see this message. It's a hoax. Also of interest is the fact that this virus is "highly intelligent." Odd. All the viruses we've seen are extremely dumb.]

The bottom line is:

If you receive a file with the subject line "Good Times", delete it
immediately! Do not read it" Rest assured that whoever's name was on
the "From" line was surely struck by the virus.

[Odd it doesn't say to contact the sender. But, again, there will be no sender. It's a hoax.]

Warn your friends and local system users of this newest threat to the
Internet! It could save them a lot of time and money. Could you pass
this along to your global mailing list as well?

[Actually, this is the bottom line; where the message urges you to propagate the hoax. Here's the hoax's combination chicken-little, domino-effect replication engine.]

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